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“She got her looks from her father. He’s a plastic surgeon.” - Groucho Marx

“Adversity has ever been considered the state in which a man most easily becomes acquainted with himself.” - Samuel Johnson

“If you work just for money, you’ll never make it, but if you love what you’re doing and you always put the customer first, success will be yours.” - Ray Kroc

“Nearly all men can stand adversity, but if you want to test a man’s character, give him power.” - Abraham Lincoln

“Your intellect may be confused, but your emotions will never lie to you.” - Roger Ebert

I’d say procrastination is a four letter word, but it actually has fifteen.

“Slow and steady wins the race. Unless it’s a real race.” – Anonymous

“People who wear fur smell like a wet dog if they’re in the rain. And they look fat and gross.” – Pamela Anderson

“To you I’m an atheist. To God I’m the loyal oppostition.” – Woody Allen

“As a child my family’s menu consisted of two choices: take it or leave it.” – Buddy Hackett

“Fear less, hope more. Eat less, chew more. Talk less, say more. Hate less, love more, and never underestimate the power of forgiveness.” – Abigail Van Buren (Dear Abby)

“If you don’t like the road you’re walking, start paving another one.” – Dolly Parton

“The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.” – George Carlin

“Before you judge a man, walk a mile in his shoes. After that, who cares? He’s a mile away and you’ve got his shoes.” Billy Connolly

“How important it is for us to recognize and celebrate our heroes and she-roes!” – Maya Angelou

“I don’t mind living in a man’s world as long as I can be a woman in it.” – Marilyn Monroe

“A grandmother pretends she doesn’t know you are on Halloween.” – Erma Bombeck

“A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me. I’m afraid of widths.” – Steven Wright

“Whoever said you can’t buy happiness forgot little puppies.”
- Gene Hill

What’s more beautiful than watching a deer safely crossing the road? Five of them. What a great start to my day!

“My second favorite household chore is ironing. My first being hitting my head on the top bunk bed until I faint.” ~Erma Bombeck

“Your friend’s name is Rose Sexsmith? Ew, Mom. What if that was my teacher’s name? We’d have to call her Mrs SEXsmith.” – 9 year old Daisy Welbourne

My biggest regret is giving energy to regrets. What a regretful waste of time.

I love the first day of school even more than the first day of the new year… primarily because I get the house to myself.

“The ability to simplify means to eliminate the unnecessary so that the necessary may speak.” – Hans Hofmann

“Whatever you may look like, marry a man your own age – as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight.” – Phyllis Diller

“My mother used to tell us in the mornings, ‘Carl put on your shoes, Oscar you put on your prosthetic legs… So I grew up not really thinking I had a disability. I grew up thinking I had different shoes.” - Oscar Pistorius

Has the long tie at the back of your dress ever fallen in the toilet? Yeah, me neither.

“Money will buy you a fine dog, but only love can make it wag its tail.” - Richard Friedman

Dear Jehovah Witnesses at my door: Again, no thank you.

The safe way to double your money is to fold it over once and put it in your pocket. - Frank Hubbard

Any diet that says to limit eating watermelon, but processed protein bars are good means we’ve become stupid. - Bethenny Frankel

The main thing is to keep the main thing the main thing. – Stephen Covey

I would tell you that I lost nine pounds, but they might come looking for me.

“Anyone who has never made a mistake has never tried anything new.” - Albert Einstein

“I had only one superstition. I made sure to touch all the bases when I hit a home run.” - Babe Ruth

“I don’t think any day is worth living without thinking about what you’re going to eat next at all times.” - Nora Ephron

“I wasn’t kissing her, I was whispering in her mouth.” - Chico Marx

Dear pimple: I realize you like the middle of my forehead quite a lot, but you overstayed your welcome two weeks ago. Get lost. Please.

Are bees really all that busy? I doubt it…

“When can I get my own apartment, Mom?” - 11 year old Sam on Independence Day